So You Love Someone with ADHD
Hello, and welcome to my blog!
If this is your first time here, I am so glad you found me. I am a school psychologist who currently works in private practice. While this is a newer role for me, I have been a school psychologist for 11 years. I have worked with kids for as long as I can remember. I am a mother to three amazing kids, too. If you want to know anything else about me, reach out or read through my website, but that summarizes it!
This is the first entry in a series I have decided to title So You Love Someone With… Each entry will feature a specific neurodivergence/diagnosis. My goal for the blog is to debunk myths, shed light on the topics, and to empower people. The person you love may be yourself, which is great! This week we are diving into ADHD. Sit back and read on.
Chances are you have heard the terms ADD or ADHD for as long as you can remember. Because one of my most annoying flaws is having to correct things I see as incorrect, let us start there. We get names of diagnoses and specific criteria from The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Currently, it is in the Test Revision of the Fifth Edition. Prior to the 2013 update of the Fifth Edition of the DSM, there was a differentiation between ADD and ADHD. You can probably guess what that difference was. The H! People who were diagnosed with ADD typically did not meet criteria for ADHD, which included hyperactive and impulsive tendencies. This differentiation makes sense and the difference in names lends itself to understanding the difference in presentation. However, ADD as a diagnosis no longer exists. This has been the case for 11 years now. The change in the DSM led to differentiation between three types of ADHD. So yes, all people are considered to have ADHD, whether they “have the H.” The three types are predominantly inattentive, combined, or predominantly hyperactive-impulsive. Most people with an ADHD diagnosis are not predominantly hyperactive-impulsive, but this presentation does occur in the population. Another notable difference in diagnosis is that boys are more likely to present with the hyperactive and impulsive symptoms.
Okay, now that we got the diagnostic framework somewhat explained, let us talk about symptoms. Classically, we picture a hyper person (probably a male if we are being honest) bouncing off the walls, unable to sit still, and unable to focus. Personally, I had early experience with this presentation and that was partially how I defined ADHD. That is okay. But let us challenge those assumptions. Having ADHD, as we now know, can mean having no hyperactive symptoms. Also, strictly focusing on the notion that a person with ADHD cannot focus is concerning because that causes us to miss out on noticing symptoms. PEOPLE WITH ADHD CAN FOCUS. Sorry for shouting. But they often can focus very, very well on things that are interesting to them. Take a moment to pause and think about someone you know who has ADHD or someone you suspect has it. What are they into? What do they love doing? Could they do it all day? Do they become lost in what they are doing? That does not negate an ADHD diagnosis. I cannot count how many times I met with parents who protested with, No, he can focus. He plays video games for hours on hours without any breaks! He just doesn’t want to focus on homework. Okay, that is fair. Motivation is a thing. BUT it is a very real thing that people with ADHD struggle to sustain mental effort and energy when the thing is boring to them. That is why they are often punished or marked as lazy, stubborn, etc. Think about the things people with ADHD usually like doing. My guess it is not sitting and reading books or listening to podcasts. These things can be very tough for people with ADHD. The things they become lost in are the things they are passionate about, and probably things that stimulate their interest and excitement. Yes, this often looks like video games. Can you even get distracted when you are being bombarded with auditory, visual, and tactile stimulation? Maybe, but it does not seem likely.
Okay, okay, I am in teacher mode, sorry. I also have quite a few soap boxes around ADHD and executive functioning in case you could not tell. Let me put those away and focus on next steps.
So…you love someone with ADHD. If you have been in a meeting with me, you probably heard my cheesy self talk about “extra love” for people with unique brain styles. For people with ADHD, loving them means understanding them. It means acknowledging that their brain may be different, but it is not a worse or broken brain. While we do use words like disability and disorder, it is important to shift our mindsets toward ones that are not so limiting and potentially damaging for people. It is also important that I note that by acknowledging a difference and a need for grace does not mean I recommend giving people a limitation or reason for not trying. That is embedded in my mission as a school psychologist: reminding people that they can absolutely be successful.
Day-to-day, you may notice your loved one with ADHD forgetting to do things. This may be frustrating, especially if it feels personal. Remember that it is not that they forgot because it is not meaningful. They likely forgot because they heard it once and could not hold onto the information or they did not even hear it in the first place. Working memory differences are a symptom of ADHD. It literally is in the definition. So please, love and grace here, love and grace. You may also notice the person with ADHD being unorganized and/or messy. They may or may not have a system and may or may not have big reactions to you messing with that system. Again, this is tough for people with ADHD. It can literally be overwhelming to organize thoughts and ideas, let alone all the things. Systems and routines help here. Consistency is key because again, the memory piece may cause things to be forgotten as well. If this sounds familiar, know it is not a character flaw. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks Today, I want to be forgetful and messy, let’s go! If you love someone with the combined or HI type of ADHD, you may have experienced being shocked, offended, or hurt by something they said or did. Say hello to impulsivity. You know that filter we develop as we get older, that tells us, Wait, this does not seem safe, or Whoa, don’t say that, keep it in your head!? Well, that filter may be delayed or asleep in a person with these types of ADHD. It is not an excuse for all impulsive behavior, but it can help make sense of actions or sayings that do not align with who a person is or wants to be.
That reminds me. I forgot to talk about the brain. What we have seen in brain imaging studies over the years is that there is a brain difference in people with ADHD. If you remember anything about your psychology classes, you probably know that different areas of the brain are responsible for different things. So much of what we do every day is thanks to the frontal lobe. Studies show that this part of the brain is essentially delayed in development in people with ADHD. So, while most eight-year-olds may be able to read books, sit through movies, and stay in their seats, eight-year-olds with ADHD may not be quite there yet. The good news is that brains are constantly growing and changing when we keep them healthy. The other good news is there are workarounds to any symptom of ADHD. Loving someone with these symptoms can look like creating systems with them that set them up for success, having patience, having empathy, accommodating, and affirming. We all need other people, and for people with ADHD, they need people to get them and love them for all of who they are.
I could write about this all day.
Leave a comment with questions or insights!
Talk soon.
Sarah
